Ah, my first real review. Fittingly it’s of another review site: www.reviewbunker.com. I’d say “that’s so meta” if I didn’t swear a blood oath to stab the next person who uses the phrase “that’s so meta.” But the threat of violence works as a perfect segue into my review.

At ease gentleman - Review Bunker is a military themed review site that pledges to review everything and anything. What is everything? Apparently this means various food products, restaurants, dog leashes and occasionally other blogs. The tones of the reviews range from nit-picky to useless.

De-bunking - The most obvious question is, what the hell does this all have to do with bunkers? Quick, let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word and then type the first few words that come into my mind after I say that first word. Your job? Read them. Ready? Ok, the word is “bunker.” Go: Military, war, soldiers, Adolf Hitler, tornadoes, buster and Archie. You know what’s missing? Reviews for Beef Stroganoff. This site has NOTHING to do with anything that might remotely relate to bunkers. Maybe Kevin’s in the military, I have no idea. He doesn’t mention it anywhere. But unless he is an active member or veteran of our armed forces I have no clue why he’d chose “Review Bunker” as the title of his site. Quick, we’re under attack from bad reviews. Into the review bunker kids!

Whip it good - Ok, great. You have a girlfriend. Good for you. Do you have to mention it in every single review? I have a bitch ex-wife and alimony payments. I’ll try to limit my mentions of them to every third post. It probably won’t happen, I really wish they’d both simply go away.

Where’d the website go? I can’t see it because of all the camo - Fine, the website’s not really camouflaged. In fact it’s a good color choice if you must go with a military theme. The design as a whole is actually quite good. The clutter is kept to a minimum. I truly do appreciate it. And this is coming from Mr. Black and White.

The ads have taken cover - Probably the best thing about this site is the very tastefully done ads. All the ads are confined to either the left sidebar or the space below the banner which would otherwise be ruined. There are no large text ads, no ads in the middle of blocks of text. I have no idea how this guy intends to make any money but from someone reading the site it’s quite appreciated.

The reviews boss, the reviews - Take all the design in the world and add some crappy content and you have a crappy site. Well, guess what Kevin did… It’s not that Kevin doesn’t have anything interesting to say, it’s just that he reviews the most mundane things ever. My absolute favorite: a box of brownies that he ate months ago and may not even be in production anymore. This guy seems to like reviewing food products that he happened to pick up at the local Albertsons. Who’s going to subscribe to a site to read reviews of convenience food? I remember a site that used to review fast food years ago. That worked because of the novelty. 300 words on food that people buy and scarf down because they’re too lazy to cook a real meal (or learn how to cook a real meal) is boring to everyone.

For the love of every cute little puppy roaming this earth please review something people actually care about. The review of the Cheesecake Factory was the closest thing on here to an actual review. It’s nit-picky and pedantic, but at least it’s a review someone might actually be looking to read.

Like that kid in Hackers the guest reviewer Brian Purkiss needs to be banned from further computer usage for the next decade - Having guest posters is fun. The regular poster gets free traffic and they get to be drunk off their ass for a day and still have content generated for their site. Yippy. But the regular poster has to actually read the fucking post before they hit “submit.” There’s no way anyone read this piece of shit review.

This goober claims to be an SEO guy and a web developer but he has no idea what a blog post looks like. He goes on for 30 pages using one sentence paragraphs.

Like this.

You see?

My lord, I wanted to hack into this website and delete the post on my own. It was grating to read and my scroll wheel fell off half-way through. Use something resembling proper sentence structure and learn that you don’t have to hit “return” after every period, a double space will do quite nicely. If you’re going to type like this please have the words “poet laureate” after your name.

Why would anyone allow this crap to be posted as a guest post? Guest posts had better be up to the level of the regular postings, if not better.

Eh - Overall this website has a lot of good going for it. It’s well designed, the regular poster seems to know English well and he obviously likes reviewing whatever strikes his fancy. On the other hand it’s got a lame theme, the poster isn’t a particularly striking writer and writes about whatever strikes his fancy. The next time I’m in the supermarket and I don’t know if I should buy the frozen beans, I’ll log onto Review Bunker and see if he has any reviews on the topic.